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I'm celebrating 90 days of being sober and seeking advice on helping my 11-year-old neurodivergent son. With rehabilitation and AA, I've achieved this milestone, though my drinking escalated during the past two years. Previously, I was sober for the first six years of his life.

The Impact of Previous Struggles

In the final stages, my drinking was constant, and my son witnessed me out of control and miserable. He took on a sense of responsibility, believing he was the sole person who could prevent me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I feel deeply regretful about this. I've repeatedly explained to him that I alone can manage my behavior.

He stayed with his father for a few months—we separated five years ago, but his father is supportive of my sobriety. He moved back in with me when he began high school in September. Confidence between us is gradually building as he observes that I am not drinking and devoting all my energy into improving.

Current Challenges and Emotions

My son remains hyper-vigilant and anxious about my safety. This means, he is terribly controlling of my actions—in part due to fear about my past habits, but also because he is autistic and uneasy about unexpected changes. I am working on confidence and limits; it's tempting to yield to his requests, but that isn't appropriate as a caregiver. It's challenging as I also feel very remorseful.

I reached out to Children’s Services while in treatment, and we are waiting for help for my son from local substance abuse support. In the meantime, I feel really at sea about how to talk with him. I don't want to make him upset, but I also don't want to ignore the previous events. How do we move forward?

Professional Advice on Healing

Children need to feel secure, especially after unpredictable times when they were uncertain if their parent could protect them safe. They might feel worried about raising these topics now. Kids often think things are their responsibility—taking the blame instead of their parents, as the other option feels too threatening. Being autistic can exacerbate these emotions.

Individuals in active addiction often make apologies they may not be able to fulfill. This makes it difficult for family members to know what to trust.

It's common for those in addiction to offer apologies they may not maintain. This means, loved ones may struggle to challenging to believe them. In addition to boundaries, it's really crucial to be consistent and demonstrate your son that situations have improved, instead of just saying him.

Useful Actions for Communication and Assistance

Concentrate on him adjusting at his new school and create a solid schedule. Then, introduce the concept that any topic is off the discussion table—if you're open to it. Dinner times can be a good moment to talk, as can side-by-side activities like strolling or driving, since they involve less eye contact, which some people find too intense. Perhaps there's an activity you and your son like sharing? Avoid thinking "we must talk," but look for chances for dialogue and see if they happen. Additionally, consider your son's preferred method of communication—it might not be speaking; it could be through writing, or a combination of both.

It's essential for him to know that his safe place besides home might be with his father. Try to not take it personally if he wants to go there at times. It doesn't mean you've done poorly—it's a journey that won't be linear.

Separating Your Needs from His

It's vital to distinguish your requirements from your son's. Ensure you're not comforting him to ease your own guilt—for your own relief—because you can't do that through your son. You'll concentrate more effectively on what he requires if you receive strong assistance yourself.

You are making really well. Keep going.